something

something that exudes
And sips from eternity
can i have something
that breathes & gives?
something like
the falls crunching
and sunlight sinking
deep into eyelashes
onto cheeks of silk
like honey on my lips
and drops of cold
in ocean of hues
something that lasts
that's what i seek
stop my heart, you say
"Won't you just look at me?"

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What makes me mad.

 

I guess I'm mad.

 

   I'm mad at how the most talked about and awaited for event of the year is brought to us by a government who rather spend millions of dollars building a soccer arena in the middle of the jungle than caring for the thousands of hospitalized people waiting for a doctor.

I'm mad because there are young men and women who yearn to help, but aren't even given the chance of being doctors, due to no means for education.

I'm mad because higher education is so pricy, and I of all people get the chance to have such a thing.

I'm mad because I don't have a clue of what it is to be grateful for food on the table, and a bed to sleep in. I'm mad because I sit in my room and pout over how my clothes don't fit into suitcases, when others wear plastic bottles as shoes and rags as clothes.

I'm mad because it's so easy to live within my bubble, and so hard to face the truth.

 

Why do I get so mad at the world's ignorance to current social problems, when I myself reflect the ignorance best of all?

I am the one who complains over paperwork for colleges, I am the one who shoves food down the garbage, I am the one who grunts over getting up for the phone, I am the one who shakes away the thought of giving away and replaces it with greed, I am the one who pretends like there isn't a world of suffering in need. There is no child waiting for hope, there is no man waiting for food, there is no woman waiting for a friend, the is no need I have not met.

I take away truth, and live in a lie.

 

And that's what makes me mad.

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Words of wisdom? : 18 things I've learnt.

1) Don't deprive yourself of chocolate, it only makes you crave it more.

2) If a boy is chasing you around the park, chase him back. He might just trip and crack a tooth. REMEMBER IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

3) When on a trampoline, careful not to lean into your arm when sitting down. Might be a lame way you end up in a full-length arm cast the rest of the summer.

4) Embrace your weirdness. Leave the shirt inside out.

5) Mama is right. Always.

6) If it's on sale and you love it, BUY IT.

7) It is OK to have a third piece of pizza. Unless others haven't yet had their first.

8) Friends are treasures.

9) Throwing rocks at boys won't make them nicer.

10) Quoting Napoleon Dynamite is only appropriate with people 32 and under.

11) If your dad is a pastor, carry a book with you (churches sometimes have no closing time) (love you Papa (; )

12) Disney World will always be the best place in the world :):)

13) There is no rule against wearing non-matching socks. Or Christmas socks out of season.

14) Once you squirt mayonnaise on your brother's face, CAREFUL WITH WHATEVER GLASS OF WATER HE OFFERS YOU.  

15)  Tea is bliss. So is summer.

16) Sisters can be worst of enemies, or best of friends. Usually it's the latter. ;)

17) Do what you love, even if it means spending hours watching Mr. Bean.

18)  Time is short, invest in those you love (and even in those you don't as much.)

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Am I willing?

I'm about to board my plane back home after a week of complete shattering.
 I've been broken and beaten to pieces, and my mess only grows every time I look outside my own bubble. I really have no clue what I want to try to say with this post, but I know there's something I'm needing to write on here, for my own sake. Bear with me through these words, and before I go on, thank you for taking the time to read these few musings of a girl who has yet so, SO much to learn.

About two months ago I wrote about how love is powerful and hopeful and the only reason for which I want to live, and that life is simply about loving the world and the people, and it's wonderful and-

Hahah, okay Sarah *burst bubble*

 I NEVER would have expected such a tremendous avalanche of tests after that post. But I guess I called for it. Day after day I'd be confronted with things that would REALLY try my patience, my kindness, and my love for others. Things like people borrowing my bobby pins without returning it (oh..wait, that actually might have been me..) , getting lightly bashed by a teacher for asking a "stupid" question , breaking the sole of my cheap ugg imitation, losing my bus ticket,  being accused of losing my mom's Ipad when I hadn't even touched it (Mama, it was Christopher), getting lost in the gym because they decided to change all the stations around (thanks, mcFit), a certain person who took the last chocolate cupcake on the tray...  After a while, added on to stress of school work and whatnot, those things build up to a sudden burst of frustration or a rude comment. An ignorant mind or judgmental heart. And I need to be honest..

I haven't done well at this loving thing.


So, here I am. Sitting and thinking, as my heart shatters with what I've seen these past few days. I'm in no other but sweet America of the North.(If you must know why I'm here I'd be glad to talk through FB message, but as of right now I won't bored any reader with my personal college-wise trauma.)
  I've met some incredible people. People who have taken my definition of love to a WHOLE other level. People who decided to self-sacrifice right here, where they live, in their every day lives. I've heard stories this week of how true love has shattered people's hearts and given them complete new ones. How? Because of their dorm neighbor who invited him over to lunch, because of a woman who paid someone to clean a less-fortunate's home, because of a U.S. Navy General who decided to take the risk and serve overseas as a Chaplin, because of a woman who decided to dedicate herself to mastering the studies of those she later on wants to serve, because of a young guy who decided to go on to full-time serving instead of attending college, because of ordinary people who have decided to serve an extraordinary God, by giving away their lives through an extraordinary Love.

I've listened to these stories, with a cry in my heart for something MORE than just what I have planned for my life. I've always had deliberate plans  (okay,maybe not so deliberate, since not until  three days ago  I knew where I'm to be living 4 months from now). But I've always had a clear idea of what I want to do, where I want to be...
I've realized, though, as much as I want to live for Love, I'm scared to let Love take control of my life.
I see all these people who have abandonedly given their plans to Love,  people who don't care about what  prerequisites are needed in the professional world  or what the social expectations are for their life. They don't care about who ate the last chocolate cupcake. They don't care about what they are getting out of this "loving" thing.


And I think that is what has shattered me the most. Ordinary people who have decided to give up what they wanted in order to get what they needed- a life overflown with His love. It's made me think about this whole "loving" thing...

Sure it sounds nice,

but am I  willing to give up myself & my life, my wants & "needs"  to the cause of Love?

 

" Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends."

John 15: 13

 

 

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Battlefield.

  The cold dirt gripped him at his feet as he tried to escape. Shrieks of tired men overlapped his thoughts. He hid in the trench hole, as tiny  objects of lead darted into his mates, causing them to fall in pools of red. There, he got down on his knees and felt the guilt overcome his body. He ashamedly looked down at his hands, where sores and bloodstains covered the innocence of his long-ago working hands. He felt his heart pound as yet another shot turned into a shriek.

When would this end?

But as he cleaned his dirty hands, he remembered his days of catching baseballs. He then looked at his feet, and remembered the feel of the fresh grass under his toes as he ran down the hill of his backyard. He could almost smell the scent of summer evening, and hear the yelling of his mom, calling him to dinner.

But he remembered he was no longer there. It was right now he needed to act, and it was right now he needed to give his all. He stood and started running towards the never-ending cloud of fire and smoke. 

He ran to fight, because he knew why he was on this battlefield.

Not for glory, not for purpose, not for will, and not for strength.

It was for freedom,

 because it was in freedom he ran as a child,

  and it was for freedom he ran now.

Omaha Beach, Normandy, France.

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1/12: My resolution.

  I've been sitting in front of this computer for the past 2 hours, redesigning this blog until the words I was looking for began to formulate in my mind. I'm hungry and tired with dozens of things to do, but I need to write. Only by doing so can I put this dangling concern to sleep. So I'll start.

I spent the last week of December thinking about what my New Years resolutions were going to be. I read blog posts, read old journals, and reflected on the past year. New Years Eve came, along with some of the most memorable moments with my family. But as I walked into 2014, no new years resolutions came to mind.

The first week of the year I spent at a retreat. The retreat came and went by, blessed by many friends and fun moments. But still no resolutions.
 
School started, along with shifting schedules, event planning, and musical auditions. But still no resolutions.
 
And here I am. 1/12  done. February 2nd, 2014...with no New Year resolutions, but instead, a
 long to-do list of projects, assignments, papers, and more. And yet, all I have been able to do is sit in front of this page- wondering about life.

Two and a half months from now I'll turn legal. Four months from now I'll be walking down the school auditorium with a graduation robe. Five months from now I'll be saying goodbye to my dear friends and moving across the ocean. Six months from now I'll be immerging into a different culture. Seven months from now I'll have started college - wherever that may be.

And I still have an ache within me because I don't want to walk out of February 2nd without a resolution. I don't want to walk out of my "minor" years without a resolution. I don't want to walk out of senior year or my home or my country without a resolution.

But what IS my resolution?

..
...
....

And just as these heavy words fly through my fingers and on to the keys, I'm looking up at my wall where hangs a picture of a beach. I'm smiling right now, because never has this picture been so breathtaking. On the sand of this beach lay words I will forever have written on my heart:

"Love."

And in matter of seconds, dear reader, in between these black, bold, cursive letters,  I have found my answer.  I cannot define my year by events, no matter how important they may be. I cannot define my friendships by time, my days by tasks, or my value by things.

The only valid measurement of life is love.

Because love goes beyond the daily things. It's so powerful it can break through any wall of hurt or angst, so tender it mends any broken heart, so delightful it causes laughter, so thoughtful it  warms hearts.
Love. Of course! That is the answer.That is my resolution. To love. Because it is only because of love that I am here, right now, typing out these words. Only because  I have been loved first can I love now.

So, without further a do, my 2014 life resolution:

I commit to love. I commit to learn to love in new ways, and love through the tough times. I commit to reflect and speak love, though most of the time I will mess up. I commit to seek love and be love, even when I fail or have been failed. I commit to share love, and breathe love..

Because only through love can I live.

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remember Me

I can see the golden rays on your fluttering eyelashes,

 

And before you wake up, I start to pray:

 

I want the day to be filled  with all your favorite things

 

And for love to keep you close, as well as grace and mercy

 

I want truth to bind your heart and interwine with your thoughts

 

I want all your delight to be found in my heart

 

your tongue to be true

 

your smile to be light

 

your hands to be clean

 

and your eyes to be bright

 

I want your voice to sing, and your mouth to be laughing

 

I want your arms to be giving and your body to be dancing

 

I want you to realize I'm the one who knows every little thing

 

Every why, and why not

 

Every tomorrow, every yesterday

 

Every detail, every plan

 

I know all these things, and I've prepared them with love

 

 I just pray you remember Me when you wake up.

 

 

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Have I lived?

 
         I  used to have really nice handwriting. It was cursive and meticulously inked with a plume pen. I would take the time to refill my pen with ink, and if one little word looked ugly, I would white it out and rewrite it. I have another confession, too...I used to color-coordinate my closet. The dark colors on the ends, and the whites in the middle. It was a beautiful color pallet. I have another confession.. I would plan out my day hour by hour. I would have time for exercise, rest, TV, homework, extra study, writing, shower, cleaning, reading, eating, piano, play with the dog...Yes. I was the 11 year old- 21st century version of Laura Ingalls.

Now my days are blurred. I don't even understand my handwriting, I get lucky if I can even find a shirt in my closet or finish my homework before 3 am. I have breakfast on my way to school, homework rushed during break, lunch stuffed during meetings,vocab words memorized on the bike, first shirt out of the closet, power naps on the train, yawns in class, messy room, lost pens...

I've gone from having life planned out according to La Sarah, to saying it's a good day if I've gotten 4 hours a sleep and was able to have breakfast at the table.. My hours are rushed, and my days are blurred. I barely have time to have a conversation. I spend my energy on worrying, freaking out, rushing.. And this is what bothers me... Is this what life is all about? Merely.. Surviving?

Now, don't get me wrong..I do love my life. And I think it is important to finish your homework and get things done. But I'm holding on to a hope that one day things will relax and I just might be able to take a bath and paint my nails, go out for coffee with a friend, watch that TV show with my family, go for a long afternoon walk.. You know, live. I'm just waiting and waiting for that day, delaying the conversations and coffee dates, delaying the hugs and love. But that's what bothers me. What if that day doesn't come?

I'm so busy worrying about doing everything perfectly, that I don't do it at all.

   And now I'm left here.. with a dangling question on my heart, and without a final  finish to this post.
Besides the rush & the worries,

If today were my last day...have I lived?

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