I used to have really nice handwriting. It was cursive and meticulously inked with a plume pen. I would take the time to refill my pen with ink, and if one little word looked ugly, I would white it out and rewrite it. I have another confession, too...I used to color-coordinate my closet. The dark colors on the ends, and the whites in the middle. It was a beautiful color pallet. I have another confession.. I would plan out my day hour by hour. I would have time for exercise, rest, TV, homework, extra study, writing, shower, cleaning, reading, eating, piano, play with the dog...Yes. I was the 11 year old- 21st century version of Laura Ingalls.
Now my days are blurred. I don't even understand my handwriting, I get lucky if I can even find a shirt in my closet or finish my homework before 3 am. I have breakfast on my way to school, homework rushed during break, lunch stuffed during meetings,vocab words memorized on the bike, first shirt out of the closet, power naps on the train, yawns in class, messy room, lost pens...
I've gone from having life planned out according to La Sarah, to saying it's a good day if I've gotten 4 hours a sleep and was able to have breakfast at the table.. My hours are rushed, and my days are blurred. I barely have time to have a conversation. I spend my energy on worrying, freaking out, rushing.. And this is what bothers me... Is this what life is all about? Merely.. Surviving?
Now, don't get me wrong..I do love my life. And I think it is important to finish your homework and get things done. But I'm holding on to a hope that one day things will relax and I just might be able to take a bath and paint my nails, go out for coffee with a friend, watch that TV show with my family, go for a long afternoon walk.. You know, live. I'm just waiting and waiting for that day, delaying the conversations and coffee dates, delaying the hugs and love. But that's what bothers me. What if that day doesn't come?
I'm so busy worrying about doing everything perfectly, that I don't do it at all.
And now I'm left here.. with a dangling question on my heart, and without a final finish to this post.
Besides the rush & the worries,
If today were my last day...have I lived?
