1/12: My resolution.

  I've been sitting in front of this computer for the past 2 hours, redesigning this blog until the words I was looking for began to formulate in my mind. I'm hungry and tired with dozens of things to do, but I need to write. Only by doing so can I put this dangling concern to sleep. So I'll start.

I spent the last week of December thinking about what my New Years resolutions were going to be. I read blog posts, read old journals, and reflected on the past year. New Years Eve came, along with some of the most memorable moments with my family. But as I walked into 2014, no new years resolutions came to mind.

The first week of the year I spent at a retreat. The retreat came and went by, blessed by many friends and fun moments. But still no resolutions.
 
School started, along with shifting schedules, event planning, and musical auditions. But still no resolutions.
 
And here I am. 1/12  done. February 2nd, 2014...with no New Year resolutions, but instead, a
 long to-do list of projects, assignments, papers, and more. And yet, all I have been able to do is sit in front of this page- wondering about life.

Two and a half months from now I'll turn legal. Four months from now I'll be walking down the school auditorium with a graduation robe. Five months from now I'll be saying goodbye to my dear friends and moving across the ocean. Six months from now I'll be immerging into a different culture. Seven months from now I'll have started college - wherever that may be.

And I still have an ache within me because I don't want to walk out of February 2nd without a resolution. I don't want to walk out of my "minor" years without a resolution. I don't want to walk out of senior year or my home or my country without a resolution.

But what IS my resolution?

..
...
....

And just as these heavy words fly through my fingers and on to the keys, I'm looking up at my wall where hangs a picture of a beach. I'm smiling right now, because never has this picture been so breathtaking. On the sand of this beach lay words I will forever have written on my heart:

"Love."

And in matter of seconds, dear reader, in between these black, bold, cursive letters,  I have found my answer.  I cannot define my year by events, no matter how important they may be. I cannot define my friendships by time, my days by tasks, or my value by things.

The only valid measurement of life is love.

Because love goes beyond the daily things. It's so powerful it can break through any wall of hurt or angst, so tender it mends any broken heart, so delightful it causes laughter, so thoughtful it  warms hearts.
Love. Of course! That is the answer.That is my resolution. To love. Because it is only because of love that I am here, right now, typing out these words. Only because  I have been loved first can I love now.

So, without further a do, my 2014 life resolution:

I commit to love. I commit to learn to love in new ways, and love through the tough times. I commit to reflect and speak love, though most of the time I will mess up. I commit to seek love and be love, even when I fail or have been failed. I commit to share love, and breathe love..

Because only through love can I live.

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remember Me

I can see the golden rays on your fluttering eyelashes,

 

And before you wake up, I start to pray:

 

I want the day to be filled  with all your favorite things

 

And for love to keep you close, as well as grace and mercy

 

I want truth to bind your heart and interwine with your thoughts

 

I want all your delight to be found in my heart

 

your tongue to be true

 

your smile to be light

 

your hands to be clean

 

and your eyes to be bright

 

I want your voice to sing, and your mouth to be laughing

 

I want your arms to be giving and your body to be dancing

 

I want you to realize I'm the one who knows every little thing

 

Every why, and why not

 

Every tomorrow, every yesterday

 

Every detail, every plan

 

I know all these things, and I've prepared them with love

 

 I just pray you remember Me when you wake up.

 

 

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Have I lived?

 
         I  used to have really nice handwriting. It was cursive and meticulously inked with a plume pen. I would take the time to refill my pen with ink, and if one little word looked ugly, I would white it out and rewrite it. I have another confession, too...I used to color-coordinate my closet. The dark colors on the ends, and the whites in the middle. It was a beautiful color pallet. I have another confession.. I would plan out my day hour by hour. I would have time for exercise, rest, TV, homework, extra study, writing, shower, cleaning, reading, eating, piano, play with the dog...Yes. I was the 11 year old- 21st century version of Laura Ingalls.

Now my days are blurred. I don't even understand my handwriting, I get lucky if I can even find a shirt in my closet or finish my homework before 3 am. I have breakfast on my way to school, homework rushed during break, lunch stuffed during meetings,vocab words memorized on the bike, first shirt out of the closet, power naps on the train, yawns in class, messy room, lost pens...

I've gone from having life planned out according to La Sarah, to saying it's a good day if I've gotten 4 hours a sleep and was able to have breakfast at the table.. My hours are rushed, and my days are blurred. I barely have time to have a conversation. I spend my energy on worrying, freaking out, rushing.. And this is what bothers me... Is this what life is all about? Merely.. Surviving?

Now, don't get me wrong..I do love my life. And I think it is important to finish your homework and get things done. But I'm holding on to a hope that one day things will relax and I just might be able to take a bath and paint my nails, go out for coffee with a friend, watch that TV show with my family, go for a long afternoon walk.. You know, live. I'm just waiting and waiting for that day, delaying the conversations and coffee dates, delaying the hugs and love. But that's what bothers me. What if that day doesn't come?

I'm so busy worrying about doing everything perfectly, that I don't do it at all.

   And now I'm left here.. with a dangling question on my heart, and without a final  finish to this post.
Besides the rush & the worries,

If today were my last day...have I lived?

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won't you just breathe.

I don't know sometimes. And sometimes, I do. I know I like coconut flakes on my hot chocolate. I know I don't like cats. Sometimes I like sleeping in the attic, and other times I don't.. It gets lonely, though to be alone is many times a fortune. But it's those nights where I hear no creaks and no wind that I do not like staying up there. To be alone can be a fortune, but sometimes it's not true. To be alone leaves the silence talking and sometimes the silence isn't so lovely. And so, just like deciding whether I like it or not, I don't know either when it comes to you. Sometimes you're heaven, other times you're not. Sometimes I love you, and other times, I love you even more. Your "I don't knows" are different, though...

Because what's inside of you isn't even given the chance to breathe. You don't know if you can give heart, and that's what hurts most. But I can't stay much longer waiting... you either know - or you don't.

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in the silence, the golden grows

 

 

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Battles of the AM

"Here I am. 1:54 AM sitting on a pile of text books on my chair. I feel this emptiness inside me. It's so void, and yet so overwhelming, it makes it hard to breathe. All I want to do is crawl in bed, and yet when I lay down all I can do is keep thinking, keep wandering, keep hating. 2:01. What's the point of this. No one really cares. 2:02. I'm Lying to myself, but it's so easy to stay in the dark..2:05. I feel this heaviness inside my heart, as if all my memories were gathered together and shredded to pieces...Flashbacks take their turn in my head and I ache at the losses, and flinch at the past. I cover my wrists and feel the scars. I bite my lip and try to breathe. All I hear is silence, and yet all I can listen to are the echoes in my head, pounding heavily inside me.

 

"You're not worth it"

"No one cares about you"

 "You're so pointless"

 

 I cover my face in shame, and I turn away from the mirror beside me. Who would dare look at such a horrid thing.

2:07. I exhaust myself from the internal fight, and stare at the words typing on the screen of my computer. If only I could erase things in life as easily as I could erase them on here.If only I could edit out the parts I don't like and make it all sweet and beautiful. That would be a life worth living...or not?"

I wrote this a while back.. back when things were very, very difficult for me.. Back when I wished I didn't have to breathe another breath or listen to another condemning word coming from deep within. I was lost. I'm sure you've been to. Maybe you are right now...Dreading another day, going to sleep with tears in your eyes. Maybe you feel as if you're unlovable and worthless, with no purpose whatsoever in this life. Maybe you feel like you are wasting space on this Earth, annoying everyone around you and tired of the hatred for yourself inside. 
Maybe things are really, really hard for you right now...

And maybe there's a reason why.


I've done a lot of star gazing lately. (Stay with me here) I loved it. I loved feeling like the sky was inches away, or feeling like I could touch the tip of the stars. I loved breathing in the mountain air, and feeling so close to something so far... There was this one star, though, that caught my attention. It was strong and vibrant. But suddenly, a gray fog started covering it. In a matter of seconds, it transformed the gleaming beauty to a dark, scary black blur.

And that's when I realized, life is so many times the same. A gray cloud will come in between us and God, and leave us in a very scary blur... In my case,the fog flooded my faith and I was left confused, hurting, and lost. Not only that, I started to embrace "truths" that fog would throw out at me. I believed I was worthless, pointless, unlovable... I believed I deserved to be and stay hurt.

 And maybe, that's where you are right now. You don't understand what God is doing in your life and why the heck He would place such a dense cloud between you and Him. Why would He leave you in such a cold, lifeless pit, when He said he loved you and cared for you?


Well if I'm completely real with you, I don't know 100% why.  What I do know, though, is that God loves in ways we cannot comprehend. God does not place that cloud there to hurt us, but for our ultimate good. I can surely testify to that. The cloud that drained the life out of me was essential in  my life being transformed.  Yes, that cloud had hurt me in ways I never hope anyone gets hurt in, but only because I had, thankfully for not so long of a time, decided to reject my faith in God. What I did not realize, though, was that just cause I couldn't see the star, did not mean it wasn't still there. 

...Things may be very very hard for you right now, and you may think God is the One to blame & all you want to do is reject Him...But dear reader, don't. You have been in a battle far too hard for you to give up now. And though it may not seem so, I promise you, God IS there and God WILL get you through... But He wants you, first. He needs you to trust Him, with your life, your heart, and your own self... If there's one thing I have learnt in my short 17 years is that life is empty without purpose, and honestly, purpose is only found in a relationship with God.

 Now, depending on who is reading this, this may seem a little weird to you.. I get you. I get how this faith talk thing can tie into religion and "sacredness" which some men claim to have and have failed to attain...Or the facades that a type of church may have put up or people claiming to be what they are not..I get you.. This is not a perfect world and we, non-Christians or Christians, are NOT perfect people.. All the confusion and frustration among the church or disappointments from those who ARE the church will make us want to step away from the whole faith thing. But I don't want to get into a religious belief debate... because honestly, I don't believe in religion.
 
I believe in a relationship with Jesus Christ. One that goes beyond all traditions and do's and dont's, one that embraces all faults and forgives each of them all. I believe in this relationship because without it, nothing else makes sense. Even when dark surrounded me, even when clouds started covering it, the love of God through Jesus Christ remained and remains there, for me and for you... I don't care if there is a cloud covering God in your life or if you've never paid attention to the skies at all...

God wants you and wants you to want Him back.


And who knows... Maybe the purpose of these clouds is so that we finally realize we can't go another day in this battle without Him...

Because honestly,

 we desperately NEED Him.

 

 

 

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SOPHROSYNE.

 
           Honestly, I did not want to open this page. I had said to myself no more writing. I first needed to live, see, experience. I needed to find myself, and the answers to my unending questions. I needed to have something worth writing about. But here I am, several months later, several months grown. Excuse my silence, it was much needed. I still do not want to continue with this post...But I have this voice in my heart whispering sternly speaking to me " Go on your blog and WRITE." Why I do not know.
 But this little voice has been haunting me for a while now... So here I am, typing, in front of an open view to a delightful summer evening rain. I smell the damp concrete and can see the little raindrops melt like sugar drops on the window sill.  I am a bit tired, since just half an hour ago I tried to take my siesta...but all I kept hearing was "Sarah, WRITE." So here I am, writing. First I want to thank you for taking the time to read this. I do warn you this blog is about a seventeen-year-old girl's thoughts, so please take that into consideration before critiquing:) Teens can be a bit dramatic. Or not. But as I was saying, I really do appreciate it. It does me good to read messages about how my posts have brought encouragement to some and entertainment to others, but please hear me when I say, this is not my work here..

If you know me well, you've probably seen me many times almost in a sort of daze. As if I were staring at something. Maybe even at you. I do that a lot. I might, in the middle of a group conversation, absently stand next to you and stare at whoever you are talking to. If my sister is part of the conversation, she graciously snaps me out of it with her widening of eyes and clenching of teeth. ( Thank you Amanda, you've saved me several times from public embarrassment.)

Exactly why I do such a "strange" thing I do not know, but I think it is because my mind is wired to automatically float up to the clouds. And when I stare at someone, it is because I am wondering. I wonder what the person's life at home is like, whether they like the color blue or green, if they are having an ok day, if what they are saying is truly from the heart or empty words from the brain. (did that rhyme only in my head?) But just like I may wonder about you, I wonder about other things. I wonder about the trees. I love watching them dance. From one sway to the next, it seems like they are dancing to a silent rhythm. Or the clouds. They inhale, grow, exhale, separate. Or the thunder outside my window. Which cloud is making that noise? All of them? Two? Is it because they crashed into each other? Or because they are separating? (If you know the answer to this, please brush off the writers' ignorance on the life of clouds) 
 
But my point is... I think it is a beautiful thing to wonder. To wonder about the pure, the noble, the lovely. The most beautiful people I have met are those filled with the innocence of bewilderment. Those who get excited about the little things, those who find joy in the simple. I love watching people, not because of creepiness, but because I marvel at how as serious as one can be, their eyes can smile. Or how as quiet as a person is, a simple act of service can say more about them than their words. It is a beautiful thing to wonder, and it is a beautiful thing to discover. To discover your loves, your Creator, the worlds' beauties, the worlds' stories.  Which is why I will not leave this blog permanently abandoned. Though no one may read it, I have a voice inside me saying I must write about what I wonder, what I learn, and what I discover.

Hence the meaning of Sophrosyne. Prudence, temperance.  Only in stead mindedness can we wholeheartedly listen, and wholeheartedly discover.

 Let us be careful of how we spend our days, and take a bit of time, sit quietly, listen, and learn. I will continue to follow this calling to write, but what I would like you to do  after this is shut down your computer screen or put down your phone. Shut it and look out the nearest window. Is it raining? Is it night? Do you see the neighbor's laundry? (if so please look away, undergarments are not a good view)  But whatever (else) is out your window, sit and stare at it for a while. Wonder. Discover the little truths lying in the tree trunks, in the laughter of your grandparents, in the notes of your favorite song. Learn from the words of your mother, or the goodbye tears of a friend.  Look up to the sky and marvel at the creation. Take the little things in life and treasure them, treasure them and learn from them.  
( Next time you see me, let me know if you discovered anything (: )

"It is a beautiful thing to wonder, to learn in the quiet and to ultimately discover the truth."

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Let the waters sing.

I stood there, salty scent in the air, tangling my hair with the wind. I closed my eyes, and for what seemed like an eternal moment, the waters were singing to me.  They were soft-spoken at first, almost shy to splash around. But as I heard the dragging of the waters, a low groan turned into a battle cry.  My eyelashes lifted rapidly to see the lullaby turn into a chaotic dance. The roaring waves crashed into each other, engulfing the rocks, and leaving the gentleness behind. But as soon as they aroused, they blended back into the  sea. As they did, they left a soft foam on the surface, making it seem everything was peaceful underneath.  This foam covered all truth that the waters were once again, beginning to rise. I knelt down by the shore, and felt the foam on my fingertips. It reminded me of the lies I let cover my heart: the fears, the aches, the chaos, the pain... As memories came back, I dipped my  fingertips back in the water, and the foam was washed away. I sighed.

Can't I just remember, these hurts can too be taken away?

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