Hope.

My heart throbs and aches at every scene on the TV, at every tweet of arrogance, at every hardened word. 

I have no full opinion on the matter of yesterday's Ferguson situation, nor on the political status of America, all I know is that it astounds me to see so many people aching over the "injustice of government" or "lack of tolerance" or " arrogant discrimination." Aching to the point of burning down flags, burning down businesses and rioting till dawn.

Where is God during all this crap? 

Where is God when we are crying, aching, angry? 

Where is God when injustice seems to be the only constant in our lives?

Not only with social issues such as discrimination, but in our own lives. 

Can I trust a God who seems to be so distant from my every day occurrences? 

Can I trust a God who seems to let so much war and hunger happen, who allows me to go through betrayal and heartbreak? 

God, can I trust You?

"No one whose hope is in me will ever be put to shame." (Isaiah 45:43)

Really? So what about everything that is going on? If this nation claimed "in God we trust", why are You allowing so much to happen? 

"No one whose hope is in me will ever be put to shame." 

If I believe in You and believe Your word, why am I still going through hard things? 

"No one whose hope is in me will ever be put to shame." 

...

No one whose hope is in Him will ever be put to shame. 

I wish I had answers to all the hard things that happen. I wish I knew why you've been through so much, why I have gone through difficult times, why we feel lost or afraid, why pain seems to go on forever, why injustice seems to be the only constant.

But in times like these, all I can really do is place my hope in Him, even through my doubts. 

And all I can really tell you is that as hard as it is to place our trust in Him, I promise you His promises are true. 

 Place your hope in Him, and even through the hard times, He won't put you to shame. 

"And we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character, 

and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us." (Romans 4:4-5) 

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Knowing was everything.

I used to think knowing was everything. Knowing would open up ways to understanding and this world would cause me to better judge where I'm going. 

Once a door was forced upon by my firm and stubborn hands, I'd continue my walk, though with flaky attempts at walking the path.

I'd yell at whoever was crossing my narrow walk and grit my teeth for yet another delay. My knowing of where to be and how to get there did not allow for any spontaneity or intrusions. 

I am who I am and this is the path I'm firmly trekking on.

But I've come to realize that half of the things I had concluded on life have changed, and the other half was a complete misconception. 

 Doors are not meant to be forced open, and moments of beauty were never meant to be intentionally made. 

Perhaps I should start placing a foot on water, and let go of all attempt to schedule for how long and in which way. 

Because one of my greatest misconceptions about life is that I am in control of it, and another misconception is that beautiful things spring from what I make of it. 

Truth is, beauty lies beneath the messing up, the humbling of a heart, the shaking of hands..Beauty lies beneath the waiting, beneath the not knowing of what tomorrow's walk will be. 

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words.

This is hard. 

A part of me hates that I'm sitting at a table with a cup of some overrated Starbucks telling you about my life.

Thing is, I am terrified of you. I rather shut myself in a haunted house full of clowns and chainsaws  than watch you read what I write. I feel so naked having this blog. 

"Then why don't you just write about news or sports?" 

I want to. I'm a journalism student with a desire to communicate about whatever is going on around me. But there’s just something about connecting on a real level that draws me here.

 I am interested and concerned about the news, but more so I am interested and concerned about the ways  news is affecting you and I.

The other day my quadmate Kathleen woke me up at 7:30 a.m. to run. You heard me, we ran for 38 minutes and I hated it. I hated moving my stiff legs so early in the morning and having a runny nose because of the cold morning air. I hated breathing hard and feeling faint, I hated that Kathleen kept telling me to push it and to quicken my pace.

But then I realized.. what if I didn't have legs? What if I had never been born?  Suddenly I started to praise the skies and ran for a whole other 40 minutes!

Hah, Lies. 17h later and I'm still hating it.  My legs are still hurting and all I want to do is stuff my face with cheesecake ice cream and pretend like I don't have another scheduled workout for this  afternoon. But that would be way too convenient, wouldn't it?

So would be to not write on this blog.

To quote Irish political philosopher Edmund Burke, 

"all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."

All it takes for bad things to happen in this world is for you and I to shut up about it and go on with our lives.

Ebola is doubling by the week in Liberia, Hannah Graham seems to have been murdered, a car-crash happened on 29 last week , my legs still hurt... And you and I both know it isn't going to get any better.

Are we really going to sit around and wait for evil to fizzle out so we can continue trying every beverage on the Starbucks menu and complaining about lack of scarves? (Referral to yours truly this morning.)

Will I be so selfish as to keep a passion from living its course through this blog?

No. And today I am making a commitment to continue to write and write about hard things, to help myself and hopefully those who so graciously take the time to read these words.   I am not the up and coming journalist, I don't have the best grades, sometimes I feel like I can't even speak English, and I have this problem called fear of YOU.

But we live in a world that is worsening by the minute and in all reality, we have no time to waste. By connecting with others, you and I can change the bad things in this world. 

And I believe the place to start doing so is with words.

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something

something that exudes
And sips from eternity
can i have something
that breathes & gives?
something like
the falls crunching
and sunlight sinking
deep into eyelashes
onto cheeks of silk
like honey on my lips
and drops of cold
in ocean of hues
something that lasts
that's what i seek
stop my heart, you say
"Won't you just look at me?"

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What makes me mad.

 

I guess I'm mad.

 

   I'm mad at how the most talked about and awaited for event of the year is brought to us by a government who rather spend millions of dollars building a soccer arena in the middle of the jungle than caring for the thousands of hospitalized people waiting for a doctor.

I'm mad because there are young men and women who yearn to help, but aren't even given the chance of being doctors, due to no means for education.

I'm mad because higher education is so pricy, and I of all people get the chance to have such a thing.

I'm mad because I don't have a clue of what it is to be grateful for food on the table, and a bed to sleep in. I'm mad because I sit in my room and pout over how my clothes don't fit into suitcases, when others wear plastic bottles as shoes and rags as clothes.

I'm mad because it's so easy to live within my bubble, and so hard to face the truth.

 

Why do I get so mad at the world's ignorance to current social problems, when I myself reflect the ignorance best of all?

I am the one who complains over paperwork for colleges, I am the one who shoves food down the garbage, I am the one who grunts over getting up for the phone, I am the one who shakes away the thought of giving away and replaces it with greed, I am the one who pretends like there isn't a world of suffering in need. There is no child waiting for hope, there is no man waiting for food, there is no woman waiting for a friend, the is no need I have not met.

I take away truth, and live in a lie.

 

And that's what makes me mad.

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Words of wisdom? : 18 things I've learnt.

1) Don't deprive yourself of chocolate, it only makes you crave it more.

2) If a boy is chasing you around the park, chase him back. He might just trip and crack a tooth. REMEMBER IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

3) When on a trampoline, careful not to lean into your arm when sitting down. Might be a lame way you end up in a full-length arm cast the rest of the summer.

4) Embrace your weirdness. Leave the shirt inside out.

5) Mama is right. Always.

6) If it's on sale and you love it, BUY IT.

7) It is OK to have a third piece of pizza. Unless others haven't yet had their first.

8) Friends are treasures.

9) Throwing rocks at boys won't make them nicer.

10) Quoting Napoleon Dynamite is only appropriate with people 32 and under.

11) If your dad is a pastor, carry a book with you (churches sometimes have no closing time) (love you Papa (; )

12) Disney World will always be the best place in the world :):)

13) There is no rule against wearing non-matching socks. Or Christmas socks out of season.

14) Once you squirt mayonnaise on your brother's face, CAREFUL WITH WHATEVER GLASS OF WATER HE OFFERS YOU.  

15)  Tea is bliss. So is summer.

16) Sisters can be worst of enemies, or best of friends. Usually it's the latter. ;)

17) Do what you love, even if it means spending hours watching Mr. Bean.

18)  Time is short, invest in those you love (and even in those you don't as much.)

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Am I willing?

I'm about to board my plane back home after a week of complete shattering.
 I've been broken and beaten to pieces, and my mess only grows every time I look outside my own bubble. I really have no clue what I want to try to say with this post, but I know there's something I'm needing to write on here, for my own sake. Bear with me through these words, and before I go on, thank you for taking the time to read these few musings of a girl who has yet so, SO much to learn.

About two months ago I wrote about how love is powerful and hopeful and the only reason for which I want to live, and that life is simply about loving the world and the people, and it's wonderful and-

Hahah, okay Sarah *burst bubble*

 I NEVER would have expected such a tremendous avalanche of tests after that post. But I guess I called for it. Day after day I'd be confronted with things that would REALLY try my patience, my kindness, and my love for others. Things like people borrowing my bobby pins without returning it (oh..wait, that actually might have been me..) , getting lightly bashed by a teacher for asking a "stupid" question , breaking the sole of my cheap ugg imitation, losing my bus ticket,  being accused of losing my mom's Ipad when I hadn't even touched it (Mama, it was Christopher), getting lost in the gym because they decided to change all the stations around (thanks, mcFit), a certain person who took the last chocolate cupcake on the tray...  After a while, added on to stress of school work and whatnot, those things build up to a sudden burst of frustration or a rude comment. An ignorant mind or judgmental heart. And I need to be honest..

I haven't done well at this loving thing.


So, here I am. Sitting and thinking, as my heart shatters with what I've seen these past few days. I'm in no other but sweet America of the North.(If you must know why I'm here I'd be glad to talk through FB message, but as of right now I won't bored any reader with my personal college-wise trauma.)
  I've met some incredible people. People who have taken my definition of love to a WHOLE other level. People who decided to self-sacrifice right here, where they live, in their every day lives. I've heard stories this week of how true love has shattered people's hearts and given them complete new ones. How? Because of their dorm neighbor who invited him over to lunch, because of a woman who paid someone to clean a less-fortunate's home, because of a U.S. Navy General who decided to take the risk and serve overseas as a Chaplin, because of a woman who decided to dedicate herself to mastering the studies of those she later on wants to serve, because of a young guy who decided to go on to full-time serving instead of attending college, because of ordinary people who have decided to serve an extraordinary God, by giving away their lives through an extraordinary Love.

I've listened to these stories, with a cry in my heart for something MORE than just what I have planned for my life. I've always had deliberate plans  (okay,maybe not so deliberate, since not until  three days ago  I knew where I'm to be living 4 months from now). But I've always had a clear idea of what I want to do, where I want to be...
I've realized, though, as much as I want to live for Love, I'm scared to let Love take control of my life.
I see all these people who have abandonedly given their plans to Love,  people who don't care about what  prerequisites are needed in the professional world  or what the social expectations are for their life. They don't care about who ate the last chocolate cupcake. They don't care about what they are getting out of this "loving" thing.


And I think that is what has shattered me the most. Ordinary people who have decided to give up what they wanted in order to get what they needed- a life overflown with His love. It's made me think about this whole "loving" thing...

Sure it sounds nice,

but am I  willing to give up myself & my life, my wants & "needs"  to the cause of Love?

 

" Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends."

John 15: 13

 

 

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Battlefield.

  The cold dirt gripped him at his feet as he tried to escape. Shrieks of tired men overlapped his thoughts. He hid in the trench hole, as tiny  objects of lead darted into his mates, causing them to fall in pools of red. There, he got down on his knees and felt the guilt overcome his body. He ashamedly looked down at his hands, where sores and bloodstains covered the innocence of his long-ago working hands. He felt his heart pound as yet another shot turned into a shriek.

When would this end?

But as he cleaned his dirty hands, he remembered his days of catching baseballs. He then looked at his feet, and remembered the feel of the fresh grass under his toes as he ran down the hill of his backyard. He could almost smell the scent of summer evening, and hear the yelling of his mom, calling him to dinner.

But he remembered he was no longer there. It was right now he needed to act, and it was right now he needed to give his all. He stood and started running towards the never-ending cloud of fire and smoke. 

He ran to fight, because he knew why he was on this battlefield.

Not for glory, not for purpose, not for will, and not for strength.

It was for freedom,

 because it was in freedom he ran as a child,

  and it was for freedom he ran now.

Omaha Beach, Normandy, France.

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