(thoughts on messing up)

“Allow yourself the room to fail,” says my screenwriting professor.

 "You have to. Just write, write, write. You’ll mess up, it might be bad. But write.” 

So I sat in front of a blank screen, with a notebook full of scribbles, but hardly any complete sentences. I typed, then erased; and so forth for about 26 minutes. 

I can’t "just write" an entire act of a screenplay. I can’t. I need to know the plot points, the characters, their personality, the setting, etc. You know, the basics.  So I sat in front of the laptop for another 34 minutes, trying to figure out my basics. 

All I got was a broken dialogue and a description of a bird.  

My words weren't matching up, my mind was going delusional. So I gave up for the day, because I was nowhere near where I was supposed to be. 

. .                   .                                 . .                                       .                            . .                       .

In a way, I think we all are too scared to write. We rather use a pencil instead of pen, fearing the ink may sink. We rather trace than invent, or copy rather than create. 

It's scary  TERRIFYING to put yourself out there, to claim an idea or creation, to let the ink become permanent. 

It's not longer the way it was in kindergarden, where no matter what you brought for "Show & Tell", everyone would clap. 

Ok, you're probably wondering why am I ranting so much on writing. Give me a sec.  

What if I took out the word “write” and instead wrote, “live”?

“Live, live, live. You’ll mess up, it’ll be bad. But live.” 

Was I not able to write because I didn't have my basics, or because I was too afraid to just let my 'creative juices' flow? 

 Is perfection something I crave to the point of giving up whenever I don't think I've met the mark? 

In our daily lives, are we allowing ourselves the room to fail, to let go of the premises and the  fear of messing up, in order to live? 

 So many times have I seen myself and other people shy away from taking chances.  We don't ask the tough questions, we don't say the scary truths. All because we are afraid to fail. 

So I guess it just comes down to this: Do I care enough about living to risk the messing up? 

I’m not sure yet.  But I’ve begun writing. 

And though it's complicated and messy, I think I’m falling in love with writing, one word at a time. 

I'm probably messing up, it’s probably bad... But I’m writing. 

And for some strange reason, the art of writing, little by little, is letting me do the same with life. 

Read more »

Already yours.

Golden jewels rang honor as the rim was placed on his head. 

Royalty. Justice. Service.  

All responsibility heavied on his shoulders as man after man kneeled before him. Israel was at his feet. 

Miles away, strong and angry men planned against the new king. They raided in the valley, waiting. 

"God, what do I do?" the king asked.  

 "Fight, for I will give them to you." 

In courage, he walked on and wiped out the men in overwhelming defeat. 

With a knee on the ground, he cried out loud, "I give glory to Him who overwhelms my enemies like an overwhelming flood."  

Peace followed for some time, but the enemies raided in the valley once more. 

"God, what do I do?"

"Wait at the top of the mulberry trees. When the sound of marching floods the earth, go and fight, for  I will have already gone ahead to fight for you." 

The king obeyed.

His enemies were conquered, the king's fame spread throughout the earth, and true glory was given to the Lord. 

Stories like these wake inside me a desire to trust, to fight, to conquer. I've spent the last few months thinking a lot about war. Specifically, the kind that wages inside me and inside each one of us. 

What is that makes me want to crawl in bed and hide? The fear of failing in the fight. 

I cringe at the thought of being weak, of not being strong enough to stand against the attacks of my enemies.

But then I think of this story. How King David "went to the fortress" (2 Sam. 5:17) whenever a battle emerged and asked God what to do. In every situation, God guided him and entrusted him with overwhelming defeat over his enemies. King David trusted God and obeyed Him.

That's the thing.  It's so hard for me to trust a God I don't see, especially when my enemies (such as  my own thoughts, other people or tragic situations) are raging in the valley, waiting to prey on me. 

But I'm done with letting my heart quiver in fear. I am done with letting my enemies get the best of me, with letting the war wage on as I stand to watch others and myself fall in defeat. 

My fingers are trembling as I type  these words because I know taking a stand doesn't soften the war. I expect things to get harder. I know people will judge me, that I will judge myself. 

But something inside me wants me to tell you this. 

The thoughts that keep drowning you, the situations that keep draining you and the people that keep degrading you have NO say in who you are and what you can do. 

If you have faith in the Creator of this universe, and if you have placed your life in the hands of Jesus Christ,  

God has ALREADY gone ahead to fight for you. 

you are ALREADY a conqueror over the battle, 

victory is ALREADY yours.

Read more »

Hope.

My heart throbs and aches at every scene on the TV, at every tweet of arrogance, at every hardened word. 

I have no full opinion on the matter of yesterday's Ferguson situation, nor on the political status of America, all I know is that it astounds me to see so many people aching over the "injustice of government" or "lack of tolerance" or " arrogant discrimination." Aching to the point of burning down flags, burning down businesses and rioting till dawn.

Where is God during all this crap? 

Where is God when we are crying, aching, angry? 

Where is God when injustice seems to be the only constant in our lives?

Not only with social issues such as discrimination, but in our own lives. 

Can I trust a God who seems to be so distant from my every day occurrences? 

Can I trust a God who seems to let so much war and hunger happen, who allows me to go through betrayal and heartbreak? 

God, can I trust You?

"No one whose hope is in me will ever be put to shame." (Isaiah 45:43)

Really? So what about everything that is going on? If this nation claimed "in God we trust", why are You allowing so much to happen? 

"No one whose hope is in me will ever be put to shame." 

If I believe in You and believe Your word, why am I still going through hard things? 

"No one whose hope is in me will ever be put to shame." 

...

No one whose hope is in Him will ever be put to shame. 

I wish I had answers to all the hard things that happen. I wish I knew why you've been through so much, why I have gone through difficult times, why we feel lost or afraid, why pain seems to go on forever, why injustice seems to be the only constant.

But in times like these, all I can really do is place my hope in Him, even through my doubts. 

And all I can really tell you is that as hard as it is to place our trust in Him, I promise you His promises are true. 

 Place your hope in Him, and even through the hard times, He won't put you to shame. 

"And we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character, 

and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us." (Romans 4:4-5) 

Read more »

Knowing was everything.

I used to think knowing was everything. Knowing would open up ways to understanding and this world would cause me to better judge where I'm going. 

Once a door was forced upon by my firm and stubborn hands, I'd continue my walk, though with flaky attempts at walking the path.

I'd yell at whoever was crossing my narrow walk and grit my teeth for yet another delay. My knowing of where to be and how to get there did not allow for any spontaneity or intrusions. 

I am who I am and this is the path I'm firmly trekking on.

But I've come to realize that half of the things I had concluded on life have changed, and the other half was a complete misconception. 

 Doors are not meant to be forced open, and moments of beauty were never meant to be intentionally made. 

Perhaps I should start placing a foot on water, and let go of all attempt to schedule for how long and in which way. 

Because one of my greatest misconceptions about life is that I am in control of it, and another misconception is that beautiful things spring from what I make of it. 

Truth is, beauty lies beneath the messing up, the humbling of a heart, the shaking of hands..Beauty lies beneath the waiting, beneath the not knowing of what tomorrow's walk will be. 

Read more »

words.

This is hard. 

A part of me hates that I'm sitting at a table with a cup of some overrated Starbucks telling you about my life.

Thing is, I am terrified of you. I rather shut myself in a haunted house full of clowns and chainsaws  than watch you read what I write. I feel so naked having this blog. 

"Then why don't you just write about news or sports?" 

I want to. I'm a journalism student with a desire to communicate about whatever is going on around me. But there’s just something about connecting on a real level that draws me here.

 I am interested and concerned about the news, but more so I am interested and concerned about the ways  news is affecting you and I.

The other day my quadmate Kathleen woke me up at 7:30 a.m. to run. You heard me, we ran for 38 minutes and I hated it. I hated moving my stiff legs so early in the morning and having a runny nose because of the cold morning air. I hated breathing hard and feeling faint, I hated that Kathleen kept telling me to push it and to quicken my pace.

But then I realized.. what if I didn't have legs? What if I had never been born?  Suddenly I started to praise the skies and ran for a whole other 40 minutes!

Hah, Lies. 17h later and I'm still hating it.  My legs are still hurting and all I want to do is stuff my face with cheesecake ice cream and pretend like I don't have another scheduled workout for this  afternoon. But that would be way too convenient, wouldn't it?

So would be to not write on this blog.

To quote Irish political philosopher Edmund Burke, 

"all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."

All it takes for bad things to happen in this world is for you and I to shut up about it and go on with our lives.

Ebola is doubling by the week in Liberia, Hannah Graham seems to have been murdered, a car-crash happened on 29 last week , my legs still hurt... And you and I both know it isn't going to get any better.

Are we really going to sit around and wait for evil to fizzle out so we can continue trying every beverage on the Starbucks menu and complaining about lack of scarves? (Referral to yours truly this morning.)

Will I be so selfish as to keep a passion from living its course through this blog?

No. And today I am making a commitment to continue to write and write about hard things, to help myself and hopefully those who so graciously take the time to read these words.   I am not the up and coming journalist, I don't have the best grades, sometimes I feel like I can't even speak English, and I have this problem called fear of YOU.

But we live in a world that is worsening by the minute and in all reality, we have no time to waste. By connecting with others, you and I can change the bad things in this world. 

And I believe the place to start doing so is with words.

Read more »

something

something that exudes
And sips from eternity
can i have something
that breathes & gives?
something like
the falls crunching
and sunlight sinking
deep into eyelashes
onto cheeks of silk
like honey on my lips
and drops of cold
in ocean of hues
something that lasts
that's what i seek
stop my heart, you say
"Won't you just look at me?"

Read more »

What makes me mad.

 

I guess I'm mad.

 

   I'm mad at how the most talked about and awaited for event of the year is brought to us by a government who rather spend millions of dollars building a soccer arena in the middle of the jungle than caring for the thousands of hospitalized people waiting for a doctor.

I'm mad because there are young men and women who yearn to help, but aren't even given the chance of being doctors, due to no means for education.

I'm mad because higher education is so pricy, and I of all people get the chance to have such a thing.

I'm mad because I don't have a clue of what it is to be grateful for food on the table, and a bed to sleep in. I'm mad because I sit in my room and pout over how my clothes don't fit into suitcases, when others wear plastic bottles as shoes and rags as clothes.

I'm mad because it's so easy to live within my bubble, and so hard to face the truth.

 

Why do I get so mad at the world's ignorance to current social problems, when I myself reflect the ignorance best of all?

I am the one who complains over paperwork for colleges, I am the one who shoves food down the garbage, I am the one who grunts over getting up for the phone, I am the one who shakes away the thought of giving away and replaces it with greed, I am the one who pretends like there isn't a world of suffering in need. There is no child waiting for hope, there is no man waiting for food, there is no woman waiting for a friend, the is no need I have not met.

I take away truth, and live in a lie.

 

And that's what makes me mad.

Read more »

Words of wisdom? : 18 things I've learnt.

1) Don't deprive yourself of chocolate, it only makes you crave it more.

2) If a boy is chasing you around the park, chase him back. He might just trip and crack a tooth. REMEMBER IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

3) When on a trampoline, careful not to lean into your arm when sitting down. Might be a lame way you end up in a full-length arm cast the rest of the summer.

4) Embrace your weirdness. Leave the shirt inside out.

5) Mama is right. Always.

6) If it's on sale and you love it, BUY IT.

7) It is OK to have a third piece of pizza. Unless others haven't yet had their first.

8) Friends are treasures.

9) Throwing rocks at boys won't make them nicer.

10) Quoting Napoleon Dynamite is only appropriate with people 32 and under.

11) If your dad is a pastor, carry a book with you (churches sometimes have no closing time) (love you Papa (; )

12) Disney World will always be the best place in the world :):)

13) There is no rule against wearing non-matching socks. Or Christmas socks out of season.

14) Once you squirt mayonnaise on your brother's face, CAREFUL WITH WHATEVER GLASS OF WATER HE OFFERS YOU.  

15)  Tea is bliss. So is summer.

16) Sisters can be worst of enemies, or best of friends. Usually it's the latter. ;)

17) Do what you love, even if it means spending hours watching Mr. Bean.

18)  Time is short, invest in those you love (and even in those you don't as much.)

Read more »

Am I willing?

I'm about to board my plane back home after a week of complete shattering.
 I've been broken and beaten to pieces, and my mess only grows every time I look outside my own bubble. I really have no clue what I want to try to say with this post, but I know there's something I'm needing to write on here, for my own sake. Bear with me through these words, and before I go on, thank you for taking the time to read these few musings of a girl who has yet so, SO much to learn.

About two months ago I wrote about how love is powerful and hopeful and the only reason for which I want to live, and that life is simply about loving the world and the people, and it's wonderful and-

Hahah, okay Sarah *burst bubble*

 I NEVER would have expected such a tremendous avalanche of tests after that post. But I guess I called for it. Day after day I'd be confronted with things that would REALLY try my patience, my kindness, and my love for others. Things like people borrowing my bobby pins without returning it (oh..wait, that actually might have been me..) , getting lightly bashed by a teacher for asking a "stupid" question , breaking the sole of my cheap ugg imitation, losing my bus ticket,  being accused of losing my mom's Ipad when I hadn't even touched it (Mama, it was Christopher), getting lost in the gym because they decided to change all the stations around (thanks, mcFit), a certain person who took the last chocolate cupcake on the tray...  After a while, added on to stress of school work and whatnot, those things build up to a sudden burst of frustration or a rude comment. An ignorant mind or judgmental heart. And I need to be honest..

I haven't done well at this loving thing.


So, here I am. Sitting and thinking, as my heart shatters with what I've seen these past few days. I'm in no other but sweet America of the North.(If you must know why I'm here I'd be glad to talk through FB message, but as of right now I won't bored any reader with my personal college-wise trauma.)
  I've met some incredible people. People who have taken my definition of love to a WHOLE other level. People who decided to self-sacrifice right here, where they live, in their every day lives. I've heard stories this week of how true love has shattered people's hearts and given them complete new ones. How? Because of their dorm neighbor who invited him over to lunch, because of a woman who paid someone to clean a less-fortunate's home, because of a U.S. Navy General who decided to take the risk and serve overseas as a Chaplin, because of a woman who decided to dedicate herself to mastering the studies of those she later on wants to serve, because of a young guy who decided to go on to full-time serving instead of attending college, because of ordinary people who have decided to serve an extraordinary God, by giving away their lives through an extraordinary Love.

I've listened to these stories, with a cry in my heart for something MORE than just what I have planned for my life. I've always had deliberate plans  (okay,maybe not so deliberate, since not until  three days ago  I knew where I'm to be living 4 months from now). But I've always had a clear idea of what I want to do, where I want to be...
I've realized, though, as much as I want to live for Love, I'm scared to let Love take control of my life.
I see all these people who have abandonedly given their plans to Love,  people who don't care about what  prerequisites are needed in the professional world  or what the social expectations are for their life. They don't care about who ate the last chocolate cupcake. They don't care about what they are getting out of this "loving" thing.


And I think that is what has shattered me the most. Ordinary people who have decided to give up what they wanted in order to get what they needed- a life overflown with His love. It's made me think about this whole "loving" thing...

Sure it sounds nice,

but am I  willing to give up myself & my life, my wants & "needs"  to the cause of Love?

 

" Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends."

John 15: 13

 

 

Read more »

Battlefield.

  The cold dirt gripped him at his feet as he tried to escape. Shrieks of tired men overlapped his thoughts. He hid in the trench hole, as tiny  objects of lead darted into his mates, causing them to fall in pools of red. There, he got down on his knees and felt the guilt overcome his body. He ashamedly looked down at his hands, where sores and bloodstains covered the innocence of his long-ago working hands. He felt his heart pound as yet another shot turned into a shriek.

When would this end?

But as he cleaned his dirty hands, he remembered his days of catching baseballs. He then looked at his feet, and remembered the feel of the fresh grass under his toes as he ran down the hill of his backyard. He could almost smell the scent of summer evening, and hear the yelling of his mom, calling him to dinner.

But he remembered he was no longer there. It was right now he needed to act, and it was right now he needed to give his all. He stood and started running towards the never-ending cloud of fire and smoke. 

He ran to fight, because he knew why he was on this battlefield.

Not for glory, not for purpose, not for will, and not for strength.

It was for freedom,

 because it was in freedom he ran as a child,

  and it was for freedom he ran now.

Omaha Beach, Normandy, France.

Read more »

1/12: My resolution.

  I've been sitting in front of this computer for the past 2 hours, redesigning this blog until the words I was looking for began to formulate in my mind. I'm hungry and tired with dozens of things to do, but I need to write. Only by doing so can I put this dangling concern to sleep. So I'll start.

I spent the last week of December thinking about what my New Years resolutions were going to be. I read blog posts, read old journals, and reflected on the past year. New Years Eve came, along with some of the most memorable moments with my family. But as I walked into 2014, no new years resolutions came to mind.

The first week of the year I spent at a retreat. The retreat came and went by, blessed by many friends and fun moments. But still no resolutions.
 
School started, along with shifting schedules, event planning, and musical auditions. But still no resolutions.
 
And here I am. 1/12  done. February 2nd, 2014...with no New Year resolutions, but instead, a
 long to-do list of projects, assignments, papers, and more. And yet, all I have been able to do is sit in front of this page- wondering about life.

Two and a half months from now I'll turn legal. Four months from now I'll be walking down the school auditorium with a graduation robe. Five months from now I'll be saying goodbye to my dear friends and moving across the ocean. Six months from now I'll be immerging into a different culture. Seven months from now I'll have started college - wherever that may be.

And I still have an ache within me because I don't want to walk out of February 2nd without a resolution. I don't want to walk out of my "minor" years without a resolution. I don't want to walk out of senior year or my home or my country without a resolution.

But what IS my resolution?

..
...
....

And just as these heavy words fly through my fingers and on to the keys, I'm looking up at my wall where hangs a picture of a beach. I'm smiling right now, because never has this picture been so breathtaking. On the sand of this beach lay words I will forever have written on my heart:

"Love."

And in matter of seconds, dear reader, in between these black, bold, cursive letters,  I have found my answer.  I cannot define my year by events, no matter how important they may be. I cannot define my friendships by time, my days by tasks, or my value by things.

The only valid measurement of life is love.

Because love goes beyond the daily things. It's so powerful it can break through any wall of hurt or angst, so tender it mends any broken heart, so delightful it causes laughter, so thoughtful it  warms hearts.
Love. Of course! That is the answer.That is my resolution. To love. Because it is only because of love that I am here, right now, typing out these words. Only because  I have been loved first can I love now.

So, without further a do, my 2014 life resolution:

I commit to love. I commit to learn to love in new ways, and love through the tough times. I commit to reflect and speak love, though most of the time I will mess up. I commit to seek love and be love, even when I fail or have been failed. I commit to share love, and breathe love..

Because only through love can I live.

Read more »

remember Me

I can see the golden rays on your fluttering eyelashes,

 

And before you wake up, I start to pray:

 

I want the day to be filled  with all your favorite things

 

And for love to keep you close, as well as grace and mercy

 

I want truth to bind your heart and interwine with your thoughts

 

I want all your delight to be found in my heart

 

your tongue to be true

 

your smile to be light

 

your hands to be clean

 

and your eyes to be bright

 

I want your voice to sing, and your mouth to be laughing

 

I want your arms to be giving and your body to be dancing

 

I want you to realize I'm the one who knows every little thing

 

Every why, and why not

 

Every tomorrow, every yesterday

 

Every detail, every plan

 

I know all these things, and I've prepared them with love

 

 I just pray you remember Me when you wake up.

 

 

Read more »

Have I lived?

 
         I  used to have really nice handwriting. It was cursive and meticulously inked with a plume pen. I would take the time to refill my pen with ink, and if one little word looked ugly, I would white it out and rewrite it. I have another confession, too...I used to color-coordinate my closet. The dark colors on the ends, and the whites in the middle. It was a beautiful color pallet. I have another confession.. I would plan out my day hour by hour. I would have time for exercise, rest, TV, homework, extra study, writing, shower, cleaning, reading, eating, piano, play with the dog...Yes. I was the 11 year old- 21st century version of Laura Ingalls.

Now my days are blurred. I don't even understand my handwriting, I get lucky if I can even find a shirt in my closet or finish my homework before 3 am. I have breakfast on my way to school, homework rushed during break, lunch stuffed during meetings,vocab words memorized on the bike, first shirt out of the closet, power naps on the train, yawns in class, messy room, lost pens...

I've gone from having life planned out according to La Sarah, to saying it's a good day if I've gotten 4 hours a sleep and was able to have breakfast at the table.. My hours are rushed, and my days are blurred. I barely have time to have a conversation. I spend my energy on worrying, freaking out, rushing.. And this is what bothers me... Is this what life is all about? Merely.. Surviving?

Now, don't get me wrong..I do love my life. And I think it is important to finish your homework and get things done. But I'm holding on to a hope that one day things will relax and I just might be able to take a bath and paint my nails, go out for coffee with a friend, watch that TV show with my family, go for a long afternoon walk.. You know, live. I'm just waiting and waiting for that day, delaying the conversations and coffee dates, delaying the hugs and love. But that's what bothers me. What if that day doesn't come?

I'm so busy worrying about doing everything perfectly, that I don't do it at all.

   And now I'm left here.. with a dangling question on my heart, and without a final  finish to this post.
Besides the rush & the worries,

If today were my last day...have I lived?

Read more »

won't you just breathe.

I don't know sometimes. And sometimes, I do. I know I like coconut flakes on my hot chocolate. I know I don't like cats. Sometimes I like sleeping in the attic, and other times I don't.. It gets lonely, though to be alone is many times a fortune. But it's those nights where I hear no creaks and no wind that I do not like staying up there. To be alone can be a fortune, but sometimes it's not true. To be alone leaves the silence talking and sometimes the silence isn't so lovely. And so, just like deciding whether I like it or not, I don't know either when it comes to you. Sometimes you're heaven, other times you're not. Sometimes I love you, and other times, I love you even more. Your "I don't knows" are different, though...

Because what's inside of you isn't even given the chance to breathe. You don't know if you can give heart, and that's what hurts most. But I can't stay much longer waiting... you either know - or you don't.

Read more »

in the silence, the golden grows

 

 

Read more »

Battles of the AM

"Here I am. 1:54 AM sitting on a pile of text books on my chair. I feel this emptiness inside me. It's so void, and yet so overwhelming, it makes it hard to breathe. All I want to do is crawl in bed, and yet when I lay down all I can do is keep thinking, keep wandering, keep hating. 2:01. What's the point of this. No one really cares. 2:02. I'm Lying to myself, but it's so easy to stay in the dark..2:05. I feel this heaviness inside my heart, as if all my memories were gathered together and shredded to pieces...Flashbacks take their turn in my head and I ache at the losses, and flinch at the past. I cover my wrists and feel the scars. I bite my lip and try to breathe. All I hear is silence, and yet all I can listen to are the echoes in my head, pounding heavily inside me.

 

"You're not worth it"

"No one cares about you"

 "You're so pointless"

 

 I cover my face in shame, and I turn away from the mirror beside me. Who would dare look at such a horrid thing.

2:07. I exhaust myself from the internal fight, and stare at the words typing on the screen of my computer. If only I could erase things in life as easily as I could erase them on here.If only I could edit out the parts I don't like and make it all sweet and beautiful. That would be a life worth living...or not?"

I wrote this a while back.. back when things were very, very difficult for me.. Back when I wished I didn't have to breathe another breath or listen to another condemning word coming from deep within. I was lost. I'm sure you've been to. Maybe you are right now...Dreading another day, going to sleep with tears in your eyes. Maybe you feel as if you're unlovable and worthless, with no purpose whatsoever in this life. Maybe you feel like you are wasting space on this Earth, annoying everyone around you and tired of the hatred for yourself inside. 
Maybe things are really, really hard for you right now...

And maybe there's a reason why.


I've done a lot of star gazing lately. (Stay with me here) I loved it. I loved feeling like the sky was inches away, or feeling like I could touch the tip of the stars. I loved breathing in the mountain air, and feeling so close to something so far... There was this one star, though, that caught my attention. It was strong and vibrant. But suddenly, a gray fog started covering it. In a matter of seconds, it transformed the gleaming beauty to a dark, scary black blur.

And that's when I realized, life is so many times the same. A gray cloud will come in between us and God, and leave us in a very scary blur... In my case,the fog flooded my faith and I was left confused, hurting, and lost. Not only that, I started to embrace "truths" that fog would throw out at me. I believed I was worthless, pointless, unlovable... I believed I deserved to be and stay hurt.

 And maybe, that's where you are right now. You don't understand what God is doing in your life and why the heck He would place such a dense cloud between you and Him. Why would He leave you in such a cold, lifeless pit, when He said he loved you and cared for you?


Well if I'm completely real with you, I don't know 100% why.  What I do know, though, is that God loves in ways we cannot comprehend. God does not place that cloud there to hurt us, but for our ultimate good. I can surely testify to that. The cloud that drained the life out of me was essential in  my life being transformed.  Yes, that cloud had hurt me in ways I never hope anyone gets hurt in, but only because I had, thankfully for not so long of a time, decided to reject my faith in God. What I did not realize, though, was that just cause I couldn't see the star, did not mean it wasn't still there. 

...Things may be very very hard for you right now, and you may think God is the One to blame & all you want to do is reject Him...But dear reader, don't. You have been in a battle far too hard for you to give up now. And though it may not seem so, I promise you, God IS there and God WILL get you through... But He wants you, first. He needs you to trust Him, with your life, your heart, and your own self... If there's one thing I have learnt in my short 17 years is that life is empty without purpose, and honestly, purpose is only found in a relationship with God.

 Now, depending on who is reading this, this may seem a little weird to you.. I get you. I get how this faith talk thing can tie into religion and "sacredness" which some men claim to have and have failed to attain...Or the facades that a type of church may have put up or people claiming to be what they are not..I get you.. This is not a perfect world and we, non-Christians or Christians, are NOT perfect people.. All the confusion and frustration among the church or disappointments from those who ARE the church will make us want to step away from the whole faith thing. But I don't want to get into a religious belief debate... because honestly, I don't believe in religion.
 
I believe in a relationship with Jesus Christ. One that goes beyond all traditions and do's and dont's, one that embraces all faults and forgives each of them all. I believe in this relationship because without it, nothing else makes sense. Even when dark surrounded me, even when clouds started covering it, the love of God through Jesus Christ remained and remains there, for me and for you... I don't care if there is a cloud covering God in your life or if you've never paid attention to the skies at all...

God wants you and wants you to want Him back.


And who knows... Maybe the purpose of these clouds is so that we finally realize we can't go another day in this battle without Him...

Because honestly,

 we desperately NEED Him.

 

 

 

Read more »

SOPHROSYNE.

 
           Honestly, I did not want to open this page. I had said to myself no more writing. I first needed to live, see, experience. I needed to find myself, and the answers to my unending questions. I needed to have something worth writing about. But here I am, several months later, several months grown. Excuse my silence, it was much needed. I still do not want to continue with this post...But I have this voice in my heart whispering sternly speaking to me " Go on your blog and WRITE." Why I do not know.
 But this little voice has been haunting me for a while now... So here I am, typing, in front of an open view to a delightful summer evening rain. I smell the damp concrete and can see the little raindrops melt like sugar drops on the window sill.  I am a bit tired, since just half an hour ago I tried to take my siesta...but all I kept hearing was "Sarah, WRITE." So here I am, writing. First I want to thank you for taking the time to read this. I do warn you this blog is about a seventeen-year-old girl's thoughts, so please take that into consideration before critiquing:) Teens can be a bit dramatic. Or not. But as I was saying, I really do appreciate it. It does me good to read messages about how my posts have brought encouragement to some and entertainment to others, but please hear me when I say, this is not my work here..

If you know me well, you've probably seen me many times almost in a sort of daze. As if I were staring at something. Maybe even at you. I do that a lot. I might, in the middle of a group conversation, absently stand next to you and stare at whoever you are talking to. If my sister is part of the conversation, she graciously snaps me out of it with her widening of eyes and clenching of teeth. ( Thank you Amanda, you've saved me several times from public embarrassment.)

Exactly why I do such a "strange" thing I do not know, but I think it is because my mind is wired to automatically float up to the clouds. And when I stare at someone, it is because I am wondering. I wonder what the person's life at home is like, whether they like the color blue or green, if they are having an ok day, if what they are saying is truly from the heart or empty words from the brain. (did that rhyme only in my head?) But just like I may wonder about you, I wonder about other things. I wonder about the trees. I love watching them dance. From one sway to the next, it seems like they are dancing to a silent rhythm. Or the clouds. They inhale, grow, exhale, separate. Or the thunder outside my window. Which cloud is making that noise? All of them? Two? Is it because they crashed into each other? Or because they are separating? (If you know the answer to this, please brush off the writers' ignorance on the life of clouds) 
 
But my point is... I think it is a beautiful thing to wonder. To wonder about the pure, the noble, the lovely. The most beautiful people I have met are those filled with the innocence of bewilderment. Those who get excited about the little things, those who find joy in the simple. I love watching people, not because of creepiness, but because I marvel at how as serious as one can be, their eyes can smile. Or how as quiet as a person is, a simple act of service can say more about them than their words. It is a beautiful thing to wonder, and it is a beautiful thing to discover. To discover your loves, your Creator, the worlds' beauties, the worlds' stories.  Which is why I will not leave this blog permanently abandoned. Though no one may read it, I have a voice inside me saying I must write about what I wonder, what I learn, and what I discover.

Hence the meaning of Sophrosyne. Prudence, temperance.  Only in stead mindedness can we wholeheartedly listen, and wholeheartedly discover.

 Let us be careful of how we spend our days, and take a bit of time, sit quietly, listen, and learn. I will continue to follow this calling to write, but what I would like you to do  after this is shut down your computer screen or put down your phone. Shut it and look out the nearest window. Is it raining? Is it night? Do you see the neighbor's laundry? (if so please look away, undergarments are not a good view)  But whatever (else) is out your window, sit and stare at it for a while. Wonder. Discover the little truths lying in the tree trunks, in the laughter of your grandparents, in the notes of your favorite song. Learn from the words of your mother, or the goodbye tears of a friend.  Look up to the sky and marvel at the creation. Take the little things in life and treasure them, treasure them and learn from them.  
( Next time you see me, let me know if you discovered anything (: )

"It is a beautiful thing to wonder, to learn in the quiet and to ultimately discover the truth."

Read more »

Let the waters sing.

I stood there, salty scent in the air, tangling my hair with the wind. I closed my eyes, and for what seemed like an eternal moment, the waters were singing to me.  They were soft-spoken at first, almost shy to splash around. But as I heard the dragging of the waters, a low groan turned into a battle cry.  My eyelashes lifted rapidly to see the lullaby turn into a chaotic dance. The roaring waves crashed into each other, engulfing the rocks, and leaving the gentleness behind. But as soon as they aroused, they blended back into the  sea. As they did, they left a soft foam on the surface, making it seem everything was peaceful underneath.  This foam covered all truth that the waters were once again, beginning to rise. I knelt down by the shore, and felt the foam on my fingertips. It reminded me of the lies I let cover my heart: the fears, the aches, the chaos, the pain... As memories came back, I dipped my  fingertips back in the water, and the foam was washed away. I sighed.

Can't I just remember, these hurts can too be taken away?

Read more »