won't you just breathe.

I don't know sometimes. And sometimes, I do. I know I like coconut flakes on my hot chocolate. I know I don't like cats. Sometimes I like sleeping in the attic, and other times I don't.. It gets lonely, though to be alone is many times a fortune. But it's those nights where I hear no creaks and no wind that I do not like staying up there. To be alone can be a fortune, but sometimes it's not true. To be alone leaves the silence talking and sometimes the silence isn't so lovely. And so, just like deciding whether I like it or not, I don't know either when it comes to you. Sometimes you're heaven, other times you're not. Sometimes I love you, and other times, I love you even more. Your "I don't knows" are different, though...

Because what's inside of you isn't even given the chance to breathe. You don't know if you can give heart, and that's what hurts most. But I can't stay much longer waiting... you either know - or you don't.

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in the silence, the golden grows

 

 

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Battles of the AM

"Here I am. 1:54 AM sitting on a pile of text books on my chair. I feel this emptiness inside me. It's so void, and yet so overwhelming, it makes it hard to breathe. All I want to do is crawl in bed, and yet when I lay down all I can do is keep thinking, keep wandering, keep hating. 2:01. What's the point of this. No one really cares. 2:02. I'm Lying to myself, but it's so easy to stay in the dark..2:05. I feel this heaviness inside my heart, as if all my memories were gathered together and shredded to pieces...Flashbacks take their turn in my head and I ache at the losses, and flinch at the past. I cover my wrists and feel the scars. I bite my lip and try to breathe. All I hear is silence, and yet all I can listen to are the echoes in my head, pounding heavily inside me.

 

"You're not worth it"

"No one cares about you"

 "You're so pointless"

 

 I cover my face in shame, and I turn away from the mirror beside me. Who would dare look at such a horrid thing.

2:07. I exhaust myself from the internal fight, and stare at the words typing on the screen of my computer. If only I could erase things in life as easily as I could erase them on here.If only I could edit out the parts I don't like and make it all sweet and beautiful. That would be a life worth living...or not?"

I wrote this a while back.. back when things were very, very difficult for me.. Back when I wished I didn't have to breathe another breath or listen to another condemning word coming from deep within. I was lost. I'm sure you've been to. Maybe you are right now...Dreading another day, going to sleep with tears in your eyes. Maybe you feel as if you're unlovable and worthless, with no purpose whatsoever in this life. Maybe you feel like you are wasting space on this Earth, annoying everyone around you and tired of the hatred for yourself inside. 
Maybe things are really, really hard for you right now...

And maybe there's a reason why.


I've done a lot of star gazing lately. (Stay with me here) I loved it. I loved feeling like the sky was inches away, or feeling like I could touch the tip of the stars. I loved breathing in the mountain air, and feeling so close to something so far... There was this one star, though, that caught my attention. It was strong and vibrant. But suddenly, a gray fog started covering it. In a matter of seconds, it transformed the gleaming beauty to a dark, scary black blur.

And that's when I realized, life is so many times the same. A gray cloud will come in between us and God, and leave us in a very scary blur... In my case,the fog flooded my faith and I was left confused, hurting, and lost. Not only that, I started to embrace "truths" that fog would throw out at me. I believed I was worthless, pointless, unlovable... I believed I deserved to be and stay hurt.

 And maybe, that's where you are right now. You don't understand what God is doing in your life and why the heck He would place such a dense cloud between you and Him. Why would He leave you in such a cold, lifeless pit, when He said he loved you and cared for you?


Well if I'm completely real with you, I don't know 100% why.  What I do know, though, is that God loves in ways we cannot comprehend. God does not place that cloud there to hurt us, but for our ultimate good. I can surely testify to that. The cloud that drained the life out of me was essential in  my life being transformed.  Yes, that cloud had hurt me in ways I never hope anyone gets hurt in, but only because I had, thankfully for not so long of a time, decided to reject my faith in God. What I did not realize, though, was that just cause I couldn't see the star, did not mean it wasn't still there. 

...Things may be very very hard for you right now, and you may think God is the One to blame & all you want to do is reject Him...But dear reader, don't. You have been in a battle far too hard for you to give up now. And though it may not seem so, I promise you, God IS there and God WILL get you through... But He wants you, first. He needs you to trust Him, with your life, your heart, and your own self... If there's one thing I have learnt in my short 17 years is that life is empty without purpose, and honestly, purpose is only found in a relationship with God.

 Now, depending on who is reading this, this may seem a little weird to you.. I get you. I get how this faith talk thing can tie into religion and "sacredness" which some men claim to have and have failed to attain...Or the facades that a type of church may have put up or people claiming to be what they are not..I get you.. This is not a perfect world and we, non-Christians or Christians, are NOT perfect people.. All the confusion and frustration among the church or disappointments from those who ARE the church will make us want to step away from the whole faith thing. But I don't want to get into a religious belief debate... because honestly, I don't believe in religion.
 
I believe in a relationship with Jesus Christ. One that goes beyond all traditions and do's and dont's, one that embraces all faults and forgives each of them all. I believe in this relationship because without it, nothing else makes sense. Even when dark surrounded me, even when clouds started covering it, the love of God through Jesus Christ remained and remains there, for me and for you... I don't care if there is a cloud covering God in your life or if you've never paid attention to the skies at all...

God wants you and wants you to want Him back.


And who knows... Maybe the purpose of these clouds is so that we finally realize we can't go another day in this battle without Him...

Because honestly,

 we desperately NEED Him.

 

 

 

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