(thoughts on messing up)

“Allow yourself the room to fail,” says my screenwriting professor.

 "You have to. Just write, write, write. You’ll mess up, it might be bad. But write.” 

So I sat in front of a blank screen, with a notebook full of scribbles, but hardly any complete sentences. I typed, then erased; and so forth for about 26 minutes. 

I can’t "just write" an entire act of a screenplay. I can’t. I need to know the plot points, the characters, their personality, the setting, etc. You know, the basics.  So I sat in front of the laptop for another 34 minutes, trying to figure out my basics. 

All I got was a broken dialogue and a description of a bird.  

My words weren't matching up, my mind was going delusional. So I gave up for the day, because I was nowhere near where I was supposed to be. 

. .                   .                                 . .                                       .                            . .                       .

In a way, I think we all are too scared to write. We rather use a pencil instead of pen, fearing the ink may sink. We rather trace than invent, or copy rather than create. 

It's scary  TERRIFYING to put yourself out there, to claim an idea or creation, to let the ink become permanent. 

It's not longer the way it was in kindergarden, where no matter what you brought for "Show & Tell", everyone would clap. 

Ok, you're probably wondering why am I ranting so much on writing. Give me a sec.  

What if I took out the word “write” and instead wrote, “live”?

“Live, live, live. You’ll mess up, it’ll be bad. But live.” 

Was I not able to write because I didn't have my basics, or because I was too afraid to just let my 'creative juices' flow? 

 Is perfection something I crave to the point of giving up whenever I don't think I've met the mark? 

In our daily lives, are we allowing ourselves the room to fail, to let go of the premises and the  fear of messing up, in order to live? 

 So many times have I seen myself and other people shy away from taking chances.  We don't ask the tough questions, we don't say the scary truths. All because we are afraid to fail. 

So I guess it just comes down to this: Do I care enough about living to risk the messing up? 

I’m not sure yet.  But I’ve begun writing. 

And though it's complicated and messy, I think I’m falling in love with writing, one word at a time. 

I'm probably messing up, it’s probably bad... But I’m writing. 

And for some strange reason, the art of writing, little by little, is letting me do the same with life. 

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Already yours.

Golden jewels rang honor as the rim was placed on his head. 

Royalty. Justice. Service.  

All responsibility heavied on his shoulders as man after man kneeled before him. Israel was at his feet. 

Miles away, strong and angry men planned against the new king. They raided in the valley, waiting. 

"God, what do I do?" the king asked.  

 "Fight, for I will give them to you." 

In courage, he walked on and wiped out the men in overwhelming defeat. 

With a knee on the ground, he cried out loud, "I give glory to Him who overwhelms my enemies like an overwhelming flood."  

Peace followed for some time, but the enemies raided in the valley once more. 

"God, what do I do?"

"Wait at the top of the mulberry trees. When the sound of marching floods the earth, go and fight, for  I will have already gone ahead to fight for you." 

The king obeyed.

His enemies were conquered, the king's fame spread throughout the earth, and true glory was given to the Lord. 

Stories like these wake inside me a desire to trust, to fight, to conquer. I've spent the last few months thinking a lot about war. Specifically, the kind that wages inside me and inside each one of us. 

What is that makes me want to crawl in bed and hide? The fear of failing in the fight. 

I cringe at the thought of being weak, of not being strong enough to stand against the attacks of my enemies.

But then I think of this story. How King David "went to the fortress" (2 Sam. 5:17) whenever a battle emerged and asked God what to do. In every situation, God guided him and entrusted him with overwhelming defeat over his enemies. King David trusted God and obeyed Him.

That's the thing.  It's so hard for me to trust a God I don't see, especially when my enemies (such as  my own thoughts, other people or tragic situations) are raging in the valley, waiting to prey on me. 

But I'm done with letting my heart quiver in fear. I am done with letting my enemies get the best of me, with letting the war wage on as I stand to watch others and myself fall in defeat. 

My fingers are trembling as I type  these words because I know taking a stand doesn't soften the war. I expect things to get harder. I know people will judge me, that I will judge myself. 

But something inside me wants me to tell you this. 

The thoughts that keep drowning you, the situations that keep draining you and the people that keep degrading you have NO say in who you are and what you can do. 

If you have faith in the Creator of this universe, and if you have placed your life in the hands of Jesus Christ,  

God has ALREADY gone ahead to fight for you. 

you are ALREADY a conqueror over the battle, 

victory is ALREADY yours.

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Hope.

My heart throbs and aches at every scene on the TV, at every tweet of arrogance, at every hardened word. 

I have no full opinion on the matter of yesterday's Ferguson situation, nor on the political status of America, all I know is that it astounds me to see so many people aching over the "injustice of government" or "lack of tolerance" or " arrogant discrimination." Aching to the point of burning down flags, burning down businesses and rioting till dawn.

Where is God during all this crap? 

Where is God when we are crying, aching, angry? 

Where is God when injustice seems to be the only constant in our lives?

Not only with social issues such as discrimination, but in our own lives. 

Can I trust a God who seems to be so distant from my every day occurrences? 

Can I trust a God who seems to let so much war and hunger happen, who allows me to go through betrayal and heartbreak? 

God, can I trust You?

"No one whose hope is in me will ever be put to shame." (Isaiah 45:43)

Really? So what about everything that is going on? If this nation claimed "in God we trust", why are You allowing so much to happen? 

"No one whose hope is in me will ever be put to shame." 

If I believe in You and believe Your word, why am I still going through hard things? 

"No one whose hope is in me will ever be put to shame." 

...

No one whose hope is in Him will ever be put to shame. 

I wish I had answers to all the hard things that happen. I wish I knew why you've been through so much, why I have gone through difficult times, why we feel lost or afraid, why pain seems to go on forever, why injustice seems to be the only constant.

But in times like these, all I can really do is place my hope in Him, even through my doubts. 

And all I can really tell you is that as hard as it is to place our trust in Him, I promise you His promises are true. 

 Place your hope in Him, and even through the hard times, He won't put you to shame. 

"And we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character, 

and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us." (Romans 4:4-5) 

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Knowing was everything.

I used to think knowing was everything. Knowing would open up ways to understanding and this world would cause me to better judge where I'm going. 

Once a door was forced upon by my firm and stubborn hands, I'd continue my walk, though with flaky attempts at walking the path.

I'd yell at whoever was crossing my narrow walk and grit my teeth for yet another delay. My knowing of where to be and how to get there did not allow for any spontaneity or intrusions. 

I am who I am and this is the path I'm firmly trekking on.

But I've come to realize that half of the things I had concluded on life have changed, and the other half was a complete misconception. 

 Doors are not meant to be forced open, and moments of beauty were never meant to be intentionally made. 

Perhaps I should start placing a foot on water, and let go of all attempt to schedule for how long and in which way. 

Because one of my greatest misconceptions about life is that I am in control of it, and another misconception is that beautiful things spring from what I make of it. 

Truth is, beauty lies beneath the messing up, the humbling of a heart, the shaking of hands..Beauty lies beneath the waiting, beneath the not knowing of what tomorrow's walk will be. 

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words.

This is hard. 

A part of me hates that I'm sitting at a table with a cup of some overrated Starbucks telling you about my life.

Thing is, I am terrified of you. I rather shut myself in a haunted house full of clowns and chainsaws  than watch you read what I write. I feel so naked having this blog. 

"Then why don't you just write about news or sports?" 

I want to. I'm a journalism student with a desire to communicate about whatever is going on around me. But there’s just something about connecting on a real level that draws me here.

 I am interested and concerned about the news, but more so I am interested and concerned about the ways  news is affecting you and I.

The other day my quadmate Kathleen woke me up at 7:30 a.m. to run. You heard me, we ran for 38 minutes and I hated it. I hated moving my stiff legs so early in the morning and having a runny nose because of the cold morning air. I hated breathing hard and feeling faint, I hated that Kathleen kept telling me to push it and to quicken my pace.

But then I realized.. what if I didn't have legs? What if I had never been born?  Suddenly I started to praise the skies and ran for a whole other 40 minutes!

Hah, Lies. 17h later and I'm still hating it.  My legs are still hurting and all I want to do is stuff my face with cheesecake ice cream and pretend like I don't have another scheduled workout for this  afternoon. But that would be way too convenient, wouldn't it?

So would be to not write on this blog.

To quote Irish political philosopher Edmund Burke, 

"all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."

All it takes for bad things to happen in this world is for you and I to shut up about it and go on with our lives.

Ebola is doubling by the week in Liberia, Hannah Graham seems to have been murdered, a car-crash happened on 29 last week , my legs still hurt... And you and I both know it isn't going to get any better.

Are we really going to sit around and wait for evil to fizzle out so we can continue trying every beverage on the Starbucks menu and complaining about lack of scarves? (Referral to yours truly this morning.)

Will I be so selfish as to keep a passion from living its course through this blog?

No. And today I am making a commitment to continue to write and write about hard things, to help myself and hopefully those who so graciously take the time to read these words.   I am not the up and coming journalist, I don't have the best grades, sometimes I feel like I can't even speak English, and I have this problem called fear of YOU.

But we live in a world that is worsening by the minute and in all reality, we have no time to waste. By connecting with others, you and I can change the bad things in this world. 

And I believe the place to start doing so is with words.

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something

something that exudes
And sips from eternity
can i have something
that breathes & gives?
something like
the falls crunching
and sunlight sinking
deep into eyelashes
onto cheeks of silk
like honey on my lips
and drops of cold
in ocean of hues
something that lasts
that's what i seek
stop my heart, you say
"Won't you just look at me?"

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What makes me mad.

 

I guess I'm mad.

 

   I'm mad at how the most talked about and awaited for event of the year is brought to us by a government who rather spend millions of dollars building a soccer arena in the middle of the jungle than caring for the thousands of hospitalized people waiting for a doctor.

I'm mad because there are young men and women who yearn to help, but aren't even given the chance of being doctors, due to no means for education.

I'm mad because higher education is so pricy, and I of all people get the chance to have such a thing.

I'm mad because I don't have a clue of what it is to be grateful for food on the table, and a bed to sleep in. I'm mad because I sit in my room and pout over how my clothes don't fit into suitcases, when others wear plastic bottles as shoes and rags as clothes.

I'm mad because it's so easy to live within my bubble, and so hard to face the truth.

 

Why do I get so mad at the world's ignorance to current social problems, when I myself reflect the ignorance best of all?

I am the one who complains over paperwork for colleges, I am the one who shoves food down the garbage, I am the one who grunts over getting up for the phone, I am the one who shakes away the thought of giving away and replaces it with greed, I am the one who pretends like there isn't a world of suffering in need. There is no child waiting for hope, there is no man waiting for food, there is no woman waiting for a friend, the is no need I have not met.

I take away truth, and live in a lie.

 

And that's what makes me mad.

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Words of wisdom? : 18 things I've learnt.

1) Don't deprive yourself of chocolate, it only makes you crave it more.

2) If a boy is chasing you around the park, chase him back. He might just trip and crack a tooth. REMEMBER IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

3) When on a trampoline, careful not to lean into your arm when sitting down. Might be a lame way you end up in a full-length arm cast the rest of the summer.

4) Embrace your weirdness. Leave the shirt inside out.

5) Mama is right. Always.

6) If it's on sale and you love it, BUY IT.

7) It is OK to have a third piece of pizza. Unless others haven't yet had their first.

8) Friends are treasures.

9) Throwing rocks at boys won't make them nicer.

10) Quoting Napoleon Dynamite is only appropriate with people 32 and under.

11) If your dad is a pastor, carry a book with you (churches sometimes have no closing time) (love you Papa (; )

12) Disney World will always be the best place in the world :):)

13) There is no rule against wearing non-matching socks. Or Christmas socks out of season.

14) Once you squirt mayonnaise on your brother's face, CAREFUL WITH WHATEVER GLASS OF WATER HE OFFERS YOU.  

15)  Tea is bliss. So is summer.

16) Sisters can be worst of enemies, or best of friends. Usually it's the latter. ;)

17) Do what you love, even if it means spending hours watching Mr. Bean.

18)  Time is short, invest in those you love (and even in those you don't as much.)

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